When the curtain’s down and the lights are out

She drops her mask and she drops her act

She falls to her knees and starts to cry

Everything she’s holding back start streaming down from her eyes

They see her smile but not her tears

They see how she laughs but not how she bleeds

If anyone would care to see behind her mask

They’ll see a girl who’s had enough…

At this point, I’ve had it with all these drama in my life… I’ve had enough of crying and further embarrassing myself.. There’s nothing left to do but to learn from it and move on…AGAIN… This happened before and I got over it.. I can do it again… If I don’t choose to forgive him, I’ll go on being bitter and that’s pathetic considering that he;s a guy who’s not even half as decent as a dog.. I hate him and I’ll always hate him but I can’t let what happened ruin my life.. He’s already got too much of my attention… too much more than he deserves from any person who has a brain… My only consolation is remembering when I looked at him straight and slapping his sorry excuse for a face..

Wah… our “Early Vacation” is almost over and I feel like I don’t want to go back to school.. haha.. (blame it on the spread of the infamous Flu A(HIN1) which caused the early “sem-break” as we call it)..

Anyway, the first month went so fast… Before the break, I was actually nervous about the coming prelims… I’m still used to the first to fourth grading exams..hehe… So far, I’m not feeling much pressure on my new life… (college life) except on some occasions… Like on my Nat Sci: Introduction to Biological Sciences subject… Hmp! I so hate my teacher… ON the first day, I can’t believe we discussed almost one chapter of our topic (or so I think ‘coz I don;t know where he’s getting the stupid lessons.. coz he doesn’t use books… he just goes on as he does)… And after our second week, we had a long quiz about the two chapters we’ve somehow managed to discuss in just 6 meetings.. But, it can’t be this bad, right?? I mean I am in a university studying Psychology and not in a military academy, right??… yeah… well.. Anyway, aside from that, I think I’m doing just right as a freshman.. SO FAR 

Yey.. so far, this is the best day I’ve had since college started… I never thought I’d watch Bamboo perform Live and more so, FREE!!!! haha… The place wasn’t even that crowded that I was able to see them up close… Thankz to Sitel :)

…hmm….

How do we expect people from other countries to stop the discrimination of Filipinos when in the Philippines, ethnic (or racial…whatever) discrimination is happening. The “hindi-ako-igorot- tao-ako” comment by Ms. Candy Pangilinan was uncalled-for, unnecessary and definitely insulting to igorots. It’s been an issue before when such a comment was made implying that “igorots have tails”, the tail actually referring to an ethnic attire worn by igorot women, and until now, some (although I wouldn’t understand how people in their right mind would believe such an absurd notion) still believe it, giving them the idea that igorots are inferior to other Filipinos, simply stated as we are supposed to be dumber. Well, how dumb is that, huh? I mean, they actually believe that there are people who have tails? (What are we, a different species?? And THEY think that WE are stupid… Why, what did these people ever accomplish that gave them the right to mock us… Igorots were once referred to as “not filipiinos” because of the “tail comment”… Well, we are more than happy to comply and say that we are not one of those people who, as being referred to in other countries, have no other uses aside from domestics…(Filipinos)

Anyway, my point here is that, and I don’t think I have to show statistics to prove my point, Igorots also have had their share of success, some if not most of which are not recognized. We may not be that high as recognized in the standards of our society, we still deserve the same respect as entitled to every other human being in this world. People should not be too quick to judge us by what they hear about us or by what they see because they don’t see every thing. We do not deny that some of our communities are yet to be established as modern but they should look in the mirror before they start mocking us. If they think we are closer to barbaric than civilized, they should look at the economic standpoint of the country. If they think we are stupid, then they are demeaning themselves because WE ARE FILIPINOS (well, considering that we are a part of the country, right?) thus, we are a representation of the Filipino people… Does mocking the igorot community give them the privilege to not be discriminated by foreign countries?? I think not..

:)

BTW…hindi nga kami tao… we are gods and goddesses…. (la lang… joke??)

..HMMM.. it’s been too long since I last posted a blog… and…woooow…so damn much has happened… The last months of my senior year in high school.. went by so fast and things changed too fast… Too fast that I don’t even know how things got this complicated… Before, I kept asking myself if this life I’m having is different from what a teenager’s life should be… ‘coz it seems so unfair and wrong… But then, these past months, I realized that my life is still easy compared to some… But still, it’s not that far from becoming really COMPLICATED… Believe me, nowadays, having to get past high school is HARDER than it was back then… So, I’m lucky..I guess… With how one thing can lead to another until you just see yourself in a situation you can’t get out of… One lesson I think is that we have to keep in mind that how we decide shows how mature we are … But the real lesson I’ve leared in my last year in high school is that NO MISTAKE IS IRREVOCABLE… We are, after all just humans, right??… And it’s actually harder when you face your mistakes (and try to make things right) than when you make them… Because how you face them determines how strong you are… as a person, inside and out.. maturity isn’t about age or experience but about independently facing every challenge in your life with self-preservation and having to come out of it with your pride intact and your head held high no matter what… bow
(..and high school ko natutunan yan ah..oHhA!)

How do you stop people from talking??.. Answer: You Don’t… You can try but that’s just about it… But You can always make the eat their words… And have the pleasure of watching them choke…

It’s hard when you live in a small town… especially if it’s called Bontoc…  Where everyone knows everyone else.. And people think that they have the right to interfere with everyone else’ business putting speculation in everything they see or hear you do… God, I so hate this town… Especially when you’re a member of my family? (more like if you have the family name).. It’s like you’re living in a gold fish bowl… And just because I have this name … It’s like it’s already embedded in everyone’s head that either I end up like my dad (sane)… Or like the rest of his family (so complicated and crazy.. you can’t even imagine their personalities)… People keep telling me about how I should be more responsible and I should watch how I behave outside because my parents have a better reputation to uphold… God, do they think I’m dumb enough not to know that?!?!?!?!… And for me, it’s so insulting that they’d even think I’d end up being a “DIAZ” (with everything the name implies)… I go out at night… I drink… I have a boyfriend… I hang out with people like me… Most of alL, I’M A 16-year old TEENAGER.. (as far as I know..that’s not a crime) and that’s what teenagers do!!!… But I know my limitations… I think that should at least make different from others.. And something people should realize…

It’s a fact that people talk about other people… I do that…it’s what we do… But nobody has the right to judge a person for whatever reason… Especially when that reason is because she/he has the same family name…  Like what my mom said… You can’t change your family name but you can change how people think about you.. I think I’ll do just that…

kwento ko later

When I read the story about "The Cracked Pot" I can’t help but compare myself to the pot. Not that I am cracked mind you, but because in my failures, most of the time, I never gave a thought about the good things that those failures brought me…

What is success? Faced with this question people often answer, “It is finally having what you deserve” or “Finally having what you worked so hard for”. Some also say that it is simply a matter of winning. Whatever it is that we think, this is what I’m sure of, we all want success. A person without a will to succeed doesn’t have anything to look forward to but failures. But a person who wants nothing but success will fail at something, somehow. Success doesn’t come everyday to everyone… But it can certainly come anytime to anyone who deserves it.

So, again, what is success?? Is it winning? Is it finally getting what you deserve?? When you win does it mean that you succeed? And when you succeed, does it necessarily mean that you’ve won?? Winning has many faces and succeeding is a state of mind depending on how one sees it. It means that success comes from anything not just winning.

All my life, I’ve always viewed success as something everyone deserves. Somehow, as I grew up, that notion changed. In my experiences, I’ve learned that everybody doesn’t deserve success but it will go to those who deserve it. I always felt that I was always doomed to fail at anything that I wanted to do. I don’t know how many times I asked myself the question, “When am I going to succeed in anything that I want to do?” Seems like everything I do, fails when I want desperately for it to succeed. When will I find something that I’m finally good at? Something that I’m sure I’m going to win?

Lately, I came to view myself as a big failure. I failed at things I was sure I was going to win at. But somehow that didn’t stop me from trying again. I don’t know why. Maybe, I just failed too many times that it didn’t matter if I lost the next time, which is, I just realized wrong of me to think so. Anyway, it just didn’t matter anymore that I most often, take things for granted. I do things just for the sake of doing something. I sometimes tell myself, “Why do I do these things anyway? When I failed the first time and know I’m going to fail the second time, why do I bother to do it again?” I never realized that there was always the thought that maybe I would succeed this time or whenever I failed. Subconsciously, I always thought that maybe I would win the next time and I guess, that’s why there’s always the disappointment every time I fail.

I agree when they say that in order to succeed, you must be willing to fail. I realized that I wanted so much to win I didn’t think of losing. The reason why I always found myself doing something I knew I wasn’t really good at was because I was determined to try even if I wasn’t expecting to win, which was really good. I guess, that’s what success is all about, setting your mind into something and determined to achieve that goal. You can never say that you’re a failure. In life, it helps to be more optimistic rather than being pessimistic because you won’t achieve anything. When you want to do something, do it. Don’t think that you have to be always right in what you do to say that you succeeded. At least in the end, whether you succeeded or not, you won’t be wondering what might’ve happened if you did what you wanted. Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. Don’t make right decisions, but rather wise decisions. Never regret the decisions you have made because at some point, it’s what you wanted. That’s what life is about isn’t it? Being happy…

For me, I guess my goal is simply to succeed and as far as I’m concerned, I haven’t failed yet. Maybe somehow, I will also be given the success that I deserve. Maybe it will come when I least expect it, who knows… After all, success is a destination, not a journey, right?